Ami B. Kaplan, LCSW, Psychotherapy,

These are some general guidelines for dealing with Transgendered Individuals in your day to day life.*

What You Can Do

When interacting with transgender people in any setting, the most important thing to remember is to respect each person and their identity and experience. The important thing is how they feel inside, not how they look outside--just as we all hope that people will treat us according to who we are and not how we appear.

Asking questions

Transgender people understand that gender can be complicated and confusing and that most people do not know very much about these issues. The important thing is that people be respectful, and it is generally appreciated when people want to learn. There are ways to ask questions that are respectful and other ways that are not. The first and most important question to ask about someone else's gender is: "Do I really need to know?" There are many situations in which it is really not important what a person's gender status or situation is. For example, if someone walks into a room and their gender is unclear, there is almost certainly no reason to ask or comment in any way. The person is there to be among community. They can be welcomed without knowing what their gender identity is. There may be times in which you decide that you do need to know or understand something about someone else's gender. Most people are welcoming of respectful and appropriate questions. This is often better than making assumptions that may not be true. If the person doesn't want to answer, then they will choose not to.

What is a respectful question?

The most important guideline is: If you would not wish to be asked a given question, it is probably not respectful to ask it of someone else.

Instead of asking "What are you?" or "Are you a man or a woman?", try: "What is the respectful pronoun to use for you?" or "I'm interested in hearing about your gender identity if you are comfortable telling me" or "Is there anything I/we/the community can do to make this a more comfortable place?"

Don't ask about anyone's genitals, medical procedures, or medical history. If they want to share that information, they will. If you are concerned about someone's health, it is fine to ask, "How is your health?" as you would for any other community member.

Other Do's and Don'ts

Don't unnecessarily refer to a person's previous gender status. If this information is not known publicly, revealing it could put the person at risk of harm. Regardless of how open a person is about being transgender, referring to their previous status usually makes that person uncomfortable.

Don't insist that someone must be either a man or a woman. Some people identify themselves as neither gender, as both genders, or as a third gender. This may seem confusing, but this is a legitimate choice. Some people are in a process of discovering their identity or deciding how they wish to live. People may be in various stages of a gender transition. If you need clarification on which pronoun to use, ask.

Don't say things like: "But you look like a woman!" or "But I've always known you as a man" or "But you made such a good/attractive woman." Comments like these make people feel badly.

Don't be afraid to say, "I don't understand, but I want to be respectful of you." Being a good ally to transgender people does not mean that you never get confused or make mistakes. It means that you are doing everything in your power to learn and to act in a respectful way, always--even when you don't quite understand.

Do take other people's identities seriously, even though it may not conform to your own ideas about gender or sex. Remember to treat other people's identities and choices with the respect that you would want for yourself.

Do respect a person's choice of name/gender/pronoun. If a person expresses that they prefer a certain name or pronoun, take care to use only the name/gender/pronoun that they prefer, and strongly encourage others to do the same. This can take time to get used to, and most people do make mistakes--don't worry. The person is almost certainly used to mistakes. The important thing is that he or she knows that you respect their preference and are trying.

Do act as an ally If you notice non-inclusive language, suggest to the appropriate person that it be corrected. If you know that someone prefers a certain pronoun, it is appropriate to gently inform or remind someone else who is not using that correct pronoun.

Do remember that you may be interacting with a transgender person and not know it.

Do seek out information on your own. Transgender community members will be very appreciative of your efforts to learn about the experience of transgender people.

Language

Language is very important. People pick up on small cues. The following changes may seem minor, but they are among the most important ways to indicate that a community is making an effort to be trans-friendly. It often makes the difference in whether a transgender person will approach a community and whether they will choose to stay.

- On flyers, in newsletters, event announcements, etc.: Instead of writing "men and women welcome" or "for both men and women," try "all genders welcome" or "for all genders."

- In articles, essays etc.: Rather than "both genders" or "men and women," refer to "all genders" or "people of any gender."

- If events, groups or programs (event, social group, etc.) are advertised or indicated as "gay and lesbian," consider whether it really is only for gay and lesbian people or whether a transgender (or bisexual person, for that matter) would be welcomed. If the latter is true, change the language.

Facilities

If possible, it is very important to have a non-gender-specific restroom. Again, this may seem like a minor matter. But for many people who have a non-traditional gender appearance, using public restrooms can be a particularly frightening and unpleasant experience. They are often much more inclined to go to places that have a non-gender-specific facility. (Often these are single-person restrooms.)

Consider whether your facility's restrooms must be gender-specific or whether one could be made available to everyone. This need not be complicated; covering the "men" or "women" sign with "all-gender restroom" is sufficient. Remember to do this for temporary or rental facilities also.

* - adapted from R. Zellamn

Ami B. Kaplan, LCSW
113 University Place #1008, New York, NY 10003
(212) 358-1884 info@amikaplan.net

Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis

Ami B. Kaplan, LCSW 113 University Place #1008, New York, NY 10003 (212) 358-1884 info@amikaplan.net

Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis

Ami B. Kaplan, LCSW
113 University Place #1008, New York, NY 10003
(212) 358-1884 info@amikaplan.net