Sometimes You’ll notice someone (like the Narcissists) doing something horrible and then a bit later they do something nice for you. This is the defense of ‘Undoing’. Unconsciously they know what they did to you was wrong or hurtful and in their mind (also unconsciously) they un-do the wrong thing by doing this nice thing. For a child or partner, this can be very confusing and somehow doesn’t feel right.
(See Laughlin ‘The Ego and its Defenses’ 1970. for more.)
I’ve been re-reading Daniel Shaw’s book: ‘Traumatic Narcissism: Relational Systems of Subjugation’ (Note – it’s highly psychoanalytic and meant for therapists). Anyway, it’s full of real gems; Here’s one:
“One step along the way toward attaining freedom from emotional enslavement to the traumatizer can be the demystification of the traumatizer’s power”.
Specifically, it can be helpful to really understand how a particular idea or sentiment was transmitted to you. What words did your Mother use? What non-verbal communication was used? Knowing how an idea was transmitted is powerful. It changes it from some ghost-like belief to the idea that this is something that was communicated as gospel, but just might not be in the end.
Continuing with the last thought… The Narcissistic Parent will often actively dissuade the child from pursuing anything that is too individuating and therefore takes the child away from being a ‘gratifying object’ to the parent. With comments like – “it’s too expensive”, “I can’t drive you there…”, “You’ll just stop”, “you won’t be successful at X”, etc.
However, often time and money and time are made available for the child to pursue some activity of the parent’s choosing which may or may not work for the child.
In Miller’s 1981 ‘Prisoner’s of Childhood: Drama of the Gifted Child’ she posits that parents relate to children with the expectation that they will serve as a ‘gratifying object’, and they are rewarded for this. Conversely, they are punished, or unrecognized for any attempts to assert a separate identity.
This results in a molding of the child into the parent’s wished for child, rather than the parent discovering who the child is and helping them develop in a way that is more authentic to them.
When someone gives you advice or a suggestion about what to do and it doesn’t feel right for you, especially if it’s comes from an authority figure in your life, it can be hard for the Adult children of a narcissist to know what to do. How to not ‘offend’ the person, keep the relationship and also stay true to yourself. Because as a child – there was typically very little room to not comply or to express how ‘X’ is not right for you and have it be heard and respected.
If you can’t respond in the moment try: “Thanks, Let me think about it that”. This is a very handy expression to have in your back pocket to keep your power over your decisions and give yourself time. With practice it gets easier to remember that you are the best authority on you and what steps to take moving forward.
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